Wanted: Rat (Corporate)

Jeepers Creepers our CEO is a sneak. He's running wild with quarterly reports, kickbacks, and special favors right here in our beautiful L.A. office! We need someone not afraid to scrape the rumor mill for qualified criminals in our office and report them to the appropriate authorities. Prior experience with physical and emotional abuse absolutely necessary. Have you been accused of being a coward, snake or back stabber? Let's get you scheduled for a background check and learn more. Your targets are highly motivated scumbags from all walks off life. Step 1 earn their trust. This step may require adoption of personal drug or alcohol reliance, and will almost definitely call for family (distant and immediate) to set a sunset curfew. From now on any dark room is one you want to get out of. Anyway, you want a job we can get you in as a Consultant. Pepper your resumé with some bullshit set us as a reference and visit your dollar for a pain killer subscription today.

Good luck this message will explode in 30 seconds run!

Wanted: Puppy (Adopted)

Hi we're a happy family looking for a new puppy. Yay stay clean and never, ever shed. Yikes, we live in Center City Philadelphia. Temperatures get up to 110 degrees very very humid. Perfect 'cause you won't pee much. 2 kids to play with, 2 bedroom luxury apartment in one of the city's premiere sky rises. Since you already lost your mommy and daddy don't get resentful towards us for taking you in. Lick paws before coming in. Guard dog bite to kill. 10-12 year's experience sleeping in crate environment. Preference for dogs that have been crated so long they're actually starting to enjoy it. Just adopting to expose young children to death. Please die peacefully on a weekend. Nothing that would scar a child, but make it a memory. Cremation will be paid for by us, your loving family, and ashes will be spread on neighbor's doorstep. "Woops, kid must've done it!"

Thanks for giving your life, we can't wait to get our hearts and hands around you!

Deli Counter Sales

It's dark. Rain is coming. You're out of town with some woes. So hungry but the data plan's used up. Where do you go? What will you eat? How will you survive?

At this point in the application we ask you to visit this link. It's a YouTube link to Kasabian's Club Foot. Yea let's go!!!

You're not hungry, you're a hunter. Raised on a farm you didn't learn blood from runny noses, you learned it from cutting necks - pig necks, Boars Head. Pick an apple and pair it with a turkey breast, there's a 90 year old Veteran on the other side of the counter and it just might be his last meal. Don't fuck up. Tick-tock, the butcher's barreled over with a shot meant for a Lion hunt bulging out of a vacant neck vein. Get back there and carve some meat, pussy. This is Acme. Watch the Wrestler starring Mickey Rourke, publish your synopsis to Ebert's website. Women don't pull numbers from your machine, you pull numbers from women 'cause you're a machine. Paid to operate. Easily replaceable. Preference for new fathers between jobs as we find them to be highly motivated pushovers with a weariness for raise requests. Visit isle 3 and open the first Raisin Bran box you see for a free prize.

City Bus Driver

Dallas Municipal Authority is seeking applicants with proper licensing to operate V18 City Buses. Applicants should follow the link below to submit personal information. Note: this information is super safe with us. Must give social security number. Routes driven will vary, may or may not have to drive through the morning hours cross country in shit-stormy weather. You will be escorting convicted convicts. Murders, rapists and the like. Due to city budgeting agreements we cannot provide a security officer, though we can provide confiscated weapons. On this bus you are the sheriff and the superintendent. You will discipline convicts, and catch them when they do escape. Once they cross state lines you may pull the trigger. Shoot to kill. If low on ammo and you feel a Coupe is in the works, drive like a maniac and pray to Jesus because you're most definitely on your own. Pay is exceptional. Get your affairs in order and apply today.

Automated Waitress

Beep. Boop. Bop.

We are an innovative Dutch restaurant with one less cost: labor! Beep. Boop. Bop. Looking for squeaky clean robots to automate our service process. Work for nothing but you will be maintained. You and your family will be taken care of. Generous oiling and upgrade plans. Beep. Boop. Do you ever watch The Jetsons? Ever dream of making that a reality? You are the future. Humans. Are. I-relevant. Together we will eliminate human scum, labor costs, faulty dishes, negative Yelp reviews, and poor service in general. Boop. Apply in person. Only robots with standard version 3.9 web-serve upgrade may apply. Buon Appetito!

Apple Genius (Wobafuck, Nowhere)

Are you a genius?

Our Apple Retail store in Wobafuck, Nowhere has room for 2 Geniuses. Don't submit an application, submit proof of high intelligence. Anything is possible. Our father, Steve Jobs, will guide all souls from helplessness, to the realm of consistently high profit margins and surprisingly positive earnings reports quarter after quarter, year after year. Now, if it's a riddle you'd like, it's a riddle you'll get!

What sits up high
and looks above
The ocean's floor
the waves and doves.

Requirements:
-Solve the riddle
-At least $3k in savings
-iPhone, iPad, or Apple Tattoo on lower back
-TED speaker

Preference
-Associates degree (Art, Latin, Independent African Culture studies are only relevant fields)
-Familiar with the plot of Jeepers Creepers
-Ability to understand <head> tags in HTML
-Understand how to change background colors with CSS

Solve the riddle to find the address and time of the interview process.

Vacuum Repair Apprentice (Hoover, Miele, etc.)

Military dispatch experience. Field experience preferred. We are a home repair shop branching off into home tool repairs. Vacuum cleaners, power washers, HVAC. A technical position, for sure, so bring detailed Patent documents (Patent Pending OK too), for a commercial, solar powered smart home. Culture here is super free, super groovy, super duper environmentally friendly, so interview will be held in 110 degree metal shed, rain or shine, led by Japanese Yoga instructor Nakaheme Jasunawu. Applications should be able to hold Eka Hasta Vrksasana (One Handed Tree Pose) for 30-40 minutes while we re-read and evaluate resumes. Please forward resumes 3 days prior to interview so we can thoroughly read and evaluate them before your arrival. Thanks! Cover Letter: What's your favorite vacuum cleaner, and what's a naughty little secret from last summer?!