Wanted: Online Econ Professor

Lizard poaching Saudi with investments in 3 penny stocks. Preference for authors of 6th grade book reports on Benjamin Franklin, Tiger Woods or Joan of Arc. Please only apply if your left pinky nail is trimmed. This is a job you can do from your Project apartment. We'll provide a video camera and bed sheets to set the education vibes. A deep voice is crucial so students can easily hear. Looking for sound pressure p between .002 and .063. You'll be paid for each video that goes viral. $100 each. Need to be a citizen of the U.S. born in Iran. Look forward to reading the daily journal you've kept all your life, please send it to 111 Gerard Ave Philadelphia PA so we know we're working with the right person! No takebacks

Wanted: Sound Enginner

21 year old female. Well shaved. Thin and delicious. Hi! We need a sound engineer for our Pittsburgh music venue. You'll work nights 5-6 days a week and take a cut of each performer's pay. Set the arena up, wait backstage, entertain the performers and clean up. First one in last one out. Highest paid. No criminal record. Preference for hairy buttcheeks in the winter and leathery gooch-muffins in the summer and spring. Apply by sending pubic hair and butt-spit to 877 Comptom Ave. 7th floor room 219.

Wanted: Professor

Shape Shifting omnivore willing to work long hours and weekends if necessary. You'll be teaching Philosophy to university students. Very important to have previous experience communicating with those beyond this life or attending our university. We love being first-time employers to our own. SMU is a leader in education tech. Applicants will use state of the art projectors to display light shows and Apple (tm) case studies 'cause it's all about the education. Stoic. No remorse for slacker students. Son of a butterscotch biscuit. First priority is the student second is yourself. Family isn't on our radars here. Homophobic bisexual with lots of confidence.

Good luck go Tigers!

Wanted: Paleontologist

Time Traveling cucumber with Masters degrees in bio-engineering and molecular engineering. Undergrad Fine Arts degree from an Austin Texas commune. Salary is $1 million per year with 10-20% bonuses. Ability to teleport from the earth's core, back home and into the office seamlessly. Traffic is a real issue in our city so please make it clear what type of space flight device you'll be using to break the speed of sound and tie up some loose end in employee-transportation logistics around here. Please attach resume and a revised periodic table with 5-7 new elements discovered by you or your team in the past 12 hours.

Wanted: Comic Book Shop Worker

Greetings. You'll need lots of knowledge of comic books. Can you answer these questions: Why did Batman step off the platform and address Louis as Lou in Volume 6 Issue 7 on the 3rd line of the 4th page chapter 2? Ha, fool! Of course you could answer that. Now, answer these: Can you fly? Can you bench press 40,000 pounds? If a duck quacked in Manhattan could you hear it from Toledo? Didn't think so, you're fired! muahahahahaha

Wanted: Boat Captain

Nicknamed The Sparrow by industry veterans. Need crab fishermen to work long dangerous winters in Alaska. Blind. Able to swim and keep team of immigrants in order. Sailed the world on a sailboat made of toothpicks and stickies. Preference for soon-to-be-fathers. Captains will man boats for 3-4 months in harsh conditions. Parrothead with at least 30 Jimmy Buffett records to play on repeat 'cause we're on our way to Margaritaville. Baby carriage provided. Your baby will be born somewhere between Anchorage and Nome. Expectation that baby will be thrown overboard and raised by mer-people. Employer reserves publishing and film rights to baby's story. Pay is good unless it's not.

Wanted: Box Office Attendant

King Kong world record holder, father of a daughter born with a penis in Utah. Cat wrangling tap dancer. Cricket chasing technician with $600k in U.S. Treasury bonds. Hours are 9 p.m. to 4 a.m. on Tuesdays and Sundays. Applicant should have strong lungs and smoke a lot of cigarettes. Exposure to traveling, reputable entertainment. Ability to digest complex fMRI reports and reproduce results in layman's terms. Black. We're an equal opportunity employer go fuck yourself.

610-777-1090

Wanted: Car Salesman

Hiya! Glad to see you're interested in applying! We sell Fords, Mustangs, Toyotas and Chevys. A pickup for Dad or a sudan for Mom. We really need to fill a floor salesman position ASAP. Right now we have about 40 on staff, usually each shift we'll put about 10-12 salesman on the floor. Typically we see 3 to 5 customers an hour. You do the math  - real opportunity to close big sales. I'm looking for someone with experience selling. Doesn't necessarily have to be a car, but should have tallied at least a few hundred thousand in sales. Customers come in to buy, not window shop. You'll need to demonstrate a history of aggressive closing. This is a full-time gig with a dental plan, car insurance and a great working class staff. Now, if you don't have a Ford Mustang Toyaota or Chevy, you'll need to buy one. We like our staff to be fully immersed in company culture so customer's can have that post-purchase reassurance that, 'yes, I made the right decision.' We have some great plans for you. If you're shopping small, 5-10k range, we can you get out of the lot and back on the couch by 4 with a few signatures, a monthly plan you'll barely notice and a happy wife (happy life, anyone?). If you're looking to be a little more cultured, a little more tech savy, environentally friendly, handsome - we can get you in the '09 Mustang today. Our rates are best ont he market sure, but what you're really buying is a daydream device. Hop in, dip your lips in some of honey's fresh coffee and let that playlist roll off your iPhone's bluetooth. Come on in today we're here for ya!

Wanted: Clown

Hi I'm a mother of a new baby girl and we'd like to hire a clown for her 3rd birthday party. The party location is in the San Vernando Valley. We have plenty of space for you to set up your fire pit, gorilla and balloon station. We're inviting a lot of people (kind of our introduction to all the new families in town as we're new around here!), probably around 300,000. The field you'll entertain is 2 square miles. We're looking for someone in the $500 range for the night that won't mind cleaning up. Please be prepared for children to drive your smart car. Can you tell the other clowns to bring their own drinks? Thanks!

Marcy Spamps
Mommy

Wanted: Lawncare Associate

Nicknamed Honey Badger. Blueberry Picker. As a young boy or girl your father grew berry bushes and pair trees in the hill above the repair shack in your back lot. You spent many passing moons gazing, watching the fox and deer families nibble and sprawl across the grainy lawn. Often times pop would come home late. He was cheating on your mother with a military veteran just home from Peru. Preference for High School graduates looking to make a career in this field. Mentorship will be available.

Wanted: Experienced Server

Italian Restaurant needs servers to start immediately. We want people with experince in a high-end private dining venue overlooking the Caspian Sea. We have hours open for anytime of the week. Apply by attaching your resume to a receipt from our restaurant. Obvious pre-reqs: speaks Italian, belly dancer, world class sommelier. Peanut roaster. Christmas Caroler. The type of person that holds charities accountable.

Call 610-118-8789 to place your order today.

Wanted: Glass Blower

Fancy Glass is looking for a new Glass Blower in North Philadelphia. Fancy Glass serves the premium North Philly market. Applicant should have required degrees and a few years experience blowing glass in a major market. Artist should be familiar with Japanese arts. Ability to design toy dragons a plus. Please bring real dragon scale to interview. Show video of you slaying dragon with either a pure silver sword or an axe. Bridge the gap between underground Anime culture and uneducated local market to create new stream of demand for our products. Pay is $15 per hour with bonuses for each sale. This is not a full-time employment position. It will be extremely easy to fire you and no one is losing sleep over it here. Not sure how you got to the point of applying here with all that experience but that's really a shame. You'll fit in well here! CAll 610-277-9891 and whisper "I'm coming bitch". Then call 610-892-2291 to schedule an in-person interview. Don't forget the dragon scale (preferably from the Laos or SouthEast Asia region!).

Sandy Vagina
Owner

Wanted: Lead Product Developer

Fortune 500 consumer product company seeks a Lead Product Developer in the Boston, Philadelphia or Tuscaloosa markets. Pay is top of market. Lead Product Developer will lead all teams in bringing new ideas to market and tinkering with our more popular products to respond to customer demand. 10+ years leading a product development department required. Looking for people with roots in engineering not marketing. 3 weeks paid vacation with weekends off and another week paid sick leave. Ability to speak German a plus. Extensive traveling required. Most days will be spent traveling, Skyping and reading engineering plans. Flight Pilot experience a must. Ability to sail the seven Seas with limited damage to top-notch sailing equipment preferred. Applicant may need to spend nights as a stowaway in dangerous environment. All travel miles may be billed back to employer. Travel budget capped at $1k per year. Looking for committed applicants only - eat raw fish, hunt wildlife on land and read your time and area with the stars. Please attach Match.com proof of relation to Christopher Columbus. Background leading whites against minorities appreciated, especially if applicant can prove they won territory with superior products. This is a 5 year contract position in France.

Wanted: Tech Manufacturing Specialist

Hello Thais! Apple, yes that Apple (!) is looking for tech manufacturing specialists at some of our offices near you. No experience required. Applicant must be at least 5 years old. Hands should be 3" wide with at least 8 fingers intact. Office atmosphere very laid back, low stress high consistency. Management is always nearby if you need help. Work life balance perfect for working families. Easy transportation from top floor to street with wall-to-wall netting. Lots of attention from U.S. media. News cameras always in our offices to showcase our working environment across the globe. We are an example!!! 90% discounts on Apple products, salary enough to keep a small family afloat. Please apply in person to Les Miserable our French-American PR Ambassador.

Wanted: Barista

Barista wanted for a funky little coffee shop on Main Street. Applicants should have experience brewing and serving coffee for at least 3+ years. Hours are flexible. We are open from 5 a.m. to 4 p.m. and are looking to fill all shifts. Our Baristas prepare the coffee and board information each day. Applicants should have a childhood. Chalk, colored pencils, etc. Please attach a sketch of your handwriting and a report summarizing your experience at the Japanese Calligraphy School of Jokinakawoka. Take everything you've learned from Master Kukumanayla and filter it to a Children's book on the benefits of caffeine and supporting local businesses. Donate that to the local children's hospital and be sure to acquire all tax benefits for our small friendly shop.

Coffee roasters are needed! Come in and make this neighborhood gogogo!

Seeking: Small Business Salesperson

Tech startup seeking a sales force of 10-12 established sales professionals in the Greater Los Angeles area. A+ starting salary with opportunities to achieve life changing bonuses. Candidates should attach resume, references and reports quantifying total lifetime sales and percentage of leads closed. Candidates should have experience with middle aged moms. We want applicants that are fully immersed in the landscape our product will revolutionize. No meat, sugar or added flavor allowed. Max weight 117 lbs. White teeth, bright smile, pretty eyes. Presentation is everything so dress to impress, but not too salesy. This may require you start new international fashion trends and manufacture the proper attire to fit your body as retailers, online or elsewhere, won't have the inventory to keep up. It's likely you'll get rich from this. Re-invest 90% of your profits back into the sales team for free donut fridays and tea tuesdays. Candidates can call Cindy Loufuckyou for an answering machine at 610-227-4127.

Wanted: Mutual Fund Analyst

Established Boston mutual fund seeks enterprising young individuals with interest in investment management and analysis. This role is an entry level position. Starting salary will be between $35k and $40k. Room to move up. 2 weeks paid vacation annually with 1 week paid sick days and emergency leave. Special programs for expecting mothers. Firm is expanding fast. Candidate will be expected to start over. Expansion areas are defined as any location with favorable tax benefits. Currently we're shopping space in Iraq, Ukraine and Iceland. All hired employees are representatives of our firm's brand and will be expected to fight alongside ground troops in at least 1 war overseas. Experience leading a revolution in South America or other relevant continents a plus. Most days will be data entry and report writing for some of the industry's brightest executives. If you think you're a good fit for this position please pack your bags and set fire to your family's home. Interview call-backs will be shipped via military carrier crates to undisclosed locations for background checks.

Individual Investments places America's brightest investment professionals in natural roles to excel and bring our nation out of debt.

Wanted: Doggy Daycare Assistant

Fluffy Pups Daycare seeks professional young lady to serve as a desk attendant and dog walker at our Millhouse location from 4 p.m. to close on weekdays or weekends. Pay is $12 an hour. Applicant should be at least 16 years old and currently in High School. Attendant should attach a short letter explaining why she wants to work with puppies. Please attach a photo of your own dog with a digital recording of its birth. Please mash sound bits from its life with popular new songs to create a new soundtrack for our lobby area. Applicant should come straight from her Christian school. She of course supports Christ. Fluffy Pups kills many sick and broken dogs each day. You'll be responsible for holding a rosary to the heart of the dying and whispering the rosary to each and every passing pup. We look forward to meeting the newest Puppy Passer at Fluffy Pups!

Wanted: Bowling Alley Attendant

First State Bowling seeks full-time attendant for lanes 13-27 on weekends from 8 p.m. to close. Individual should attach resume and tell us why he or she wants to work here. Job is simple and pays $8 an hour. Attendant fixes lanes, scorecard systems and bowling pins. Majority time is spent standing around waiting for something to go wrong. Great for students with lots of work to do. Applicant should have basic skillset and experience fixing kitchen appliances, everyday tools, etc. Proficiency in Adobe Creative Cloud a plus. 2+ years studying screwdriver best practice at BMW HQ in Germany a big plus. Ability to speak clear English, Korean, Japanese and Arabic. Strong enough to support bullet proof vest and catch chairs and bowling bowls should a fight break out. Must be nifty with a firearm. Assault rifle definitely not necessary, handgun will be provided. Good vision key to differentiating under cover officers from in-house drug cartel. Free bowling in off hours for you and up to 4 friends. No cigarette breaks on the job.

Wanted: POTUS

Debt-heavy financial company seeking outside leadership. POTUS applicant should have history of large scale advertising campaigns across all mediums, experience dealing with government officials and relationships with talk show hosts, reality stars or Hollywood producers. Pay is good with a+ retirement benefits, an ability to choose your own path after putting a few years in. Applicants should be comfortable bending over and picking up papers while higher-ups disguised as lower-downs tickle your gooch and spit in your asshole. Public speaking experience a must. You will be the representative for this organization and will have to craft a lot of public data into presentable bits of speeches that support investor confidence and keep customers happy. Headquartered in Washintgon, DC, applicant will be provided housing, transportation and free golf, basketball, etc. Applicants should have children free of defects and a puppy or kitty with at least 1 ailment. Preference for female applicants with strong connections. Expectations extremely low, opportunity to make cool new connections endless.

Wanted: Home Security Field Sales

Established security company seeking field sales representatives with 1-2 years experience closing deals in a door to door environment. Pay between $15-$20 an hour DOE with bonuses available for hitting sales targets. Applicant will need to do a lot of walking (10 miles per day) and be very comfortable dealing with police. Hours are flexible but most of our sales reps work day jobs and go door to door from 3 p.m. to 8 or 9. Applicant should be comfortable bothering family time and interrupting dinners with a knock on the door and a sales pitch for a home security system. We want entrepreneurs and persistent sales force - say no! to 'no soliciting' signs. Applicants should have proven ability to surpass government regulations and force their way into top secret facility. 007 or other MI6 experience a major plus. Dental plan included. All sales force members will have one tooth pooled and replaced with a poison pouch. If officers ever retain you for trespassing you are expected to bite the pouch and embrace a slow and painful death in the arms of an unsuspecting blue shield. Please see our company policy on dress, office relationships and core missions before coming in for the interview.
In the event of a call back please close 3% of any nearby school district within 24 hours of coming in for the final interview. You'll be expected to sit on Neighborhood Watch in Executive neighborhoods to for 3 nights straight before you can hear from a qualified company hiring agent.

YoH Media matches high class sales field reps with high class companies. (Need a job in IT? Sales? Media Buying? Software?) 

Wanted: Tax Specialist

Lube up your rusty pucker and make it tough for Mr. Rogers to rest easy by bringing sexual assault charges to the light of day. That's right it's tax season and we want you! Do you have your CPA and a degree in Law from an Ivy League university? Yes? Well, how would you like to be rich within your means but not beyond your dreams? We here at Backdoor Law get our clients paid. In exchange, we get paid too!
We're looking for an immoral son of a bitch to come in and screw the government out of 50-100 MM in tax money every season. Benefits are great, holidays too, and there are bonuses available for our first year specialists. Previous education is a must. You have got to know what you're doing out here. Seeking someone with a previous criminal record that may have had connections to get that record swept clean behind the eyes of any formal process. Sons and daughters of Mafia, Cartel, and Government officials are always welcome here at Backdoor Law.
Our office is located in Wilmington, Delaware, just a few hundred yards from I-95 should we need to pack up and get to the Sea quickly. Oh, and for the batch of you referred here through the Law Association Young Professional Network, please include your resume, references and previous pyramid scheme experience on the lines below.

Backdoor Law - Tax is Lax! 

E-mail Copy: Gig Interest

To: Bar Manager
From: Performer

Title: Gig Offer
Body: Hello, I am a performer and a friend told me you are looking for some new help on Wednesdays and Fridays. I am interested. See my YouTube channel below. It has over 50 million views. I have Wednesdays and Fridays open. I am employed by the Philadelphia Orchestra. I play the piano. Pardon my grammar and poor writing, I have spent 20,000 hours of my 30 year life slaving over instruments and haven't give words much thought. I just want to work with some local spots, I really miss that. Typically my rate is $1,000 per hour, but I'll do these for free. Like I said, I just miss that small town scene and sharing my talents where they aren't expected. By the way, the Bar looks awesome online. I left a good review on Yelp and Facebook and followed your e-mail list. I look forward to spending a lot of money there with my wife, her extended family and extensive network of friends.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reach this,
Performer

To: Performer
From: Bar Manager

Title: RE: Gig Offer
Body:
Performer,
Thank you for reaching out. Unfortunately we are looking for someone with a different set of skills. What an amazing YouTube channel! If only that kind of work applied to our establishment! We are a piano bar just across the street from the Philadelphia Orchestra. Most of our current performers are college students. It's all we can afford right now. I do have Wednesdays and Fridays open. I am looking for a candidate with experience at the Juliard school who would be able to catch a train after class to our bar in Northern Liberites and sleep in the upstairs office. You seem to really know what you're doing, we're just looking for someone with a little more skin under their belt, that's all. Thanks for the reviews, but we don't check them and that doesn't affect our business. We stopped the e-mail list, too, but if you want to follow us you can like us on Twitter. I'll definitely keep you in mind if in the future I need any more work!

Thank you and good luck!
Bar Manager

Wanted: Photo Journalist

Harris University seeks a Photo Journalist to cover on-campus events for the 2014-2015 school year. The Journalist can use his or her iPhone. Position will cover all sport and social events from August 2014 - May 2015. This is an unpaid internship for ambitious journalists. Harris University is a popular destination for Fine Arts and Psychology students in the Delaware Valley Area.

Only blonde haired, blue eyed Germans will be accepted. Please memorize the first page of Hitler's Mein Kempf. You'll be expected to dress as Hitler in his final days. For character development ideas see the 2004 film Downfall. Upon entering the interview room you'll need to give the Nazi Salute and spit on the rag doll of Mort from the Family Guy series. Kick Mort, get on the ground on all fours and harass him. Lock him in the box and spray the windex in it. The interviewer, Abraham, will not be expecting this scene. He will fight to get you out of the room and remove Mort from the box. Terminate him. Remove his shoes and socks and wipe your bloody hands on his feet. Leave a note at the scene framing Harris University President Haanz Larsen for the scene. Take I-76 E to Delaware and get on a boat to the Jersey beaches. Throw your iPhone into the water and start your new life. This position ends May 2015.

Wanted: Digital Media Account Manager LIVO

LIVO was founded in 1997 by handsome, enterprising UPENN grad Chuck Ubetcha. LIVO is seeking a digital account manager for a rising organization with partnerships with Coka-Cola, Abble and Bik. Manager will be in charge of major accounts and work with sales and development teams to manage projects from ideation to completion.
  Requirements:

• Ability to lead 
• 2+ years agency experience 
• No criminal record 
• Storyteller 
• Recent breakup or other fresh emotional wound that will lend favor to a cut-throat business environment 
• Reliable project manager 
• 2+ references from family members of David Ogilvy 
• Not more handsome than Chuck 

In the event that you are called in, you will be expected to prove your effectiveness by quantifying every dollar of sales that you generated as an account manager. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for teams you were a part of. We'll want you to prove that investments made in your division directly contributed to x dollars of sales for your client. No digital media allowed. Billboards, newspaper and direct mailings only. Applicants should only drink Coka-cola products, prove ownership of an iPhone 6 and 15" Macbook Retina display, and fill out all application forms with a Bik pen. Options for dining, shopping and following on social networks are limited to clients of LIVO media. You may not accept Christmas Gifts or Birthday Wishes from Pepsi users of anyone with a history using Dell products. Your mother is a whore. 

LIVO is an equal opportunity employer with a preference for Blacks, Latinas or other non-whites. Our workplace bathrooms are segregated to give colored people the same experience whites have today in high-end establishments. 87% of our cleaning staff is of Latin origin. We admire the skill sets of all qualified Latin Americans and look forward to showing you how you could contribute with a broom and a mop. Many gay people work for us. We ask simply that you leave that all at home. We are equal opportunity, which means a gay can only be hired if there is an even number of gays in the workplace. 

LIVO is an enterprise-focused B2B content hub generator operating out of major U.S. markets in collaboration with innovative tech incubator entrepreneurs. 

Wanted: Head of Engineering

Pennsylvania Engineering Firm is seeking a lead engineer for its team of 5+ engineering interns. Position pays $150,000-$200,000 per year. Applicant should have at least 30 years experience in bio-engineering, chemical engineering or related field. Requirements: 10 patents, 4 of which have been licensed by Oracle and marketed with great success to B2B industrial manufacturing organizations in Russia, China or other world power. Entrepreneurial. Net worth of at least $100MM. Experience fine-tuning the hubble space telescope. Academic. Applicant must have worked 10+ years as a Professor at a well-respected international university. Chili pepper should be red on RateMyProfessor profile and average rating should be below a 3.5. Food, pet care and child day care are provided on our campus. Bring designs for innovative day care center to the interview that will reduce carbon emissions in Montreal by 400% within 3 years, develop an advertising campaigns to let people know we did this and manufacture a line of bath soaps to leverage our new place in the Green market. Applicant should arrive on time and in Professional attire to our headquarters in Bensalem, PA. There are no bus stops or train stations with 40 miles of our building. If you run you will be shot. Our snipers have taken the lives of many. Platonic Engineering matches experienced job-seekers with well funded startups led by world-class scientists.

Wanted: Surf Shop Sales Rep

Groovy Surf Shop seeks a sales rep out of its Maui location. $50,000-$100,000 salary starting. Applicant will travel 12 days per month to other surf shops and distributors on the West Coast United States. Groovy Surf Shop is a brick and mortar and e-commerce surf shop started in 2011 by 2 bros, Shell and Split Gonzalez. Applicant should have easy access to transportation. Preferred son of an oil-magnate with access to private jets and the most legal form of human slaves you can possess without damaging the Groovy brand by association. Attractive women only. Sex sells. Applicant should be willing to sleep with or fulfill fantasies of any client, regardless of order size, prior relationship or suspicions of sexually transmitted diseases. Hair should be thick enough to pack heroine and cocaine through Homeland security and TSA. Job comes with 28 full-paid vacation days, so long as you spend them travelling. Applicant should be high, deaf or dumb at the time of her interview. Please attach a resume, 2 strings of hair and a small bud of your favorite Marijuana strain in a manilla envelope. Draw a Turkey on the package and ship it to a man named Julio Downbytheschoolyard in Colombia. The authorities will contact your mother and father. If you squeal, they will die. Applicant is expected to pick up and move immediately after they get the position. Kawabunga Enterprises places hip young athletes in hip young companies for hip young experiences.

Wanted: Legal Assistant, Bronx, NY

Seeking a well-rounded recent graduate for an entry level legal assistant position at the Bronx County Courthouse in New York City. Applicant must have a bachelor's degree in either Political Science or Business related field. This is a full-time employment position. Applicant will have opportunities to meet lawyers, judges, murderers, rapists and juries. Work day starts at 7 a.m. and ends at 3 p.m. from Monday to Friday. The Bronx County Courthouse is an equal opportunity employer. Applicant should be able to display project management skills and experience stopping terrorist organizations. 9/11 was an inside job. Most days you'll get coffee, food and paperwork for the judges. It's unlikely anyone will like you. All coffee and food will have to be bought out of pocket. Reimbursements paid after U.S. government eliminates all debts with China, forges an alliance with the Intergallactic Alliance of Darlek Galactians and legalizes marijuana for at-risk youth in Detroit, Michigan. College gpa of 2.4 or higher a requirement. Legal Associates places recent graduates in high-value civilian jobs across the United States. Since 2011 LA has placed over 40,000 youths in contracts stretching from 2 months to 12 years. 83% of all suicide hotline calls are made from cell phones in our database.

Wanted: Entry Level Data Entry

Seeking full-time data entry analysts in the Greater New York City area to start immediately. Bachelors degree required. Desired tracks: Chemistry, Political Science, English or Psychology. Please apply with resume, references and an excel spreadsheet of every small business and their accompanying owner and telephone number within a 20 mile radius of your current location. Advancement opportunities are available. This company is growing fast fast fast. Startup environment. Jeans to work Fridays. Applicant should have no friends. Proof of Xbox Live or Playstation Plus experience a major plus. We're looking for applicants who can sit down and commit to one screen for at least a thousand hours. Applicant should be able to type at least 100 words per minute. Masturbating in your free time absolutely prohibited. Firm retains the right to release any analyst that can't do his or her job properly due to extracurricular activities. Say goodbye to your family. You have 10 minutes to hug your Mom and Dad goodbye. You might not have time for brothers and sisters. Bottle your tears and leave photos for them to remember you by. You'll be placed in public housing with an up-and-coming family of 12. They do not speak english. They do not speak any language. You'll be expected to cook, clean, run errands and protect the project with on 12 bullets per month. Keep the babies fed. Applicants that have underweight youths in their neighborhoods will be charged with murder and brought to Death Row immediately. Yoh Recruitment places America's most promising youths with America's most respected organizations.

Wanted: Freelance Writer

Looking for an experienced freelance writer to contribute 100-200 word blog posts in the Medical field once a week. Winning applicant will be paid $50 per article. Articles may contain no grammatical errors and must obey all SEO best practices. Requirements: some experience in the medical field, at least 3-5 written samples that have trended worldwide on either Twitter or Facebook. Applicant must have experience completing and selling major motion pictures. More specifically, the winning applicant should have sold 12 Years a Slave. NO applicants with ANY children or loved ones nearby. Prefer applicants with no access to phone or internet outside of the 4 hours slot you'll develop our posts. Please attach your resume and tell us why we're the perfect fit for this world. Pay is made every 4 years on credit, money is held in a Swiss bank account. Fly to Switzerland, unbutton your pants and do as the bellboy tells you to unlock a secret 4 digit code. Take a cab to a Swiss bank and harass the front-desk attentdant. Only after you've risked your livelihood and reputation will a small box be brought to the lobby with the cash. Taxes, 40%, will be taken out already. Opportunities to move up will be made available.

Wanted: Social Media Strategist

Required: 5 years experience, Agency experience preferred, track record of consistently quantifying hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales for telecom companies in the Florida/Mid-Atlantic areas. Ability to excel individually while remaining part of a team. Excellent verbal and written communication skills, proficiency in PHP/Javascript or C++ a major bonus. No criminal record. A sweet tooth for vanilla ice cream and written reviews on the last 12 docu-dramas you watched on a Tuesday. 6 children. 8 brothers and sisters a MUST. No puppies, girlfriends, boyfriends, cats, birds or other responsibilities. Willing to work long weekend hours with no notice. Live no more than 10 miles from our Office in Philadelphia, PA. This is a 2 year contract position. Please bring 2 resumes and a briefcase full of 50's, drop them at the front desk and ask for Layne the Alligator. Please show up on time, dress to sell your soul and do not smoke or drink within 98 hours of your sit-down interview. No you will not get this job. Contact: Urma Kagurma, Corporate Recruiter, Fuckyourshit Enterprises (Need a job in IT, Tech, Sales?)